Friday, June 19, 2009

Epic Level.....totally overrated.

First a warning…any kissing noises, romantic innuendo or jumping to conclusion about my relationship with Ian will end in your utter destruction. I will personal and painfully ground to dust under my thumb. I will then use said dust as fertilizer for my herb garden.
You’ve been warned-

I forget how boring mortal lives are. In your seventy to eighty of years of life you are born, live and die in a world without magic or true adventure. Yes a rare few of you climb some silly mountain or travel to some dead moon but that’s infrequent. Most of you toil in obscurity doomed to a life so full of mediocrity I almost (and the operative world is “almost”) pity you.

Ian, a young boy who knows my secret and who like many of my other associates see it as their duty to school me in the ways of this world invited me for a day of “Dungeons and Dragons”

To be honest I h,ad no idea what he meant, back home we had dungeons..miles of them under the castle entire generations living in them and born into them never knowing the outside world. And we had Dragons…Ranging in size from the flitting miniature dragons about the size of a small dog used as pets, the core of our air force the regal riding drake and the massive ancient dragons some half a mile long from nose to the tip of the tail.

Arriving I’m greeted by Ian and a few of his friends including a girl named Shelly who seemed to be an authority on everything. Before I said I word she was, “Nice Shoes, I saw them on EBay last night, and that purse and I bet you got it from Hot-topic” followed by, “I heard you go to a private school in Maine, I think Private school retards social interaction”…

I looked about for a Dragon hoping it would devour her but was disappointed. Ian upon seeing I was upset made the “face“ . The face is unique to him and basicly means “Please don’t do something horrible to that person place or thing”.

After returning his “face” with a glare that said “Fine but if she annoys me again I’ll melt her into pudding” we retreated into the house basement were a table sat supplied with the makings of a small war game of some kind.

War games I understood, My father played them all the time with his generals and cronies in a large room in the fittingly named “War-room”. Mother would even join in from time to time especially of the war game called for advance magical troops like war-witches or combat wizards. It was fun to watch and upon seeing the Set up in Ian’s basement I felt a flash of happy nostalgia.

That all ended when I realized their mundane game didn’t have changeable magic terrain or animated miniatures. Not that I expected such but it would have been nice. It seems the war game “Dungeons and Dragons” involved a group of Adventures battling monsters for honor, glory and treasure.

Back on my world we had something like that, only real. It was the Adventures guild. Eccletic groups of trained warriors, priest, tricksters , magician and the like would join the guild and gain points for successfully batting rogue elements in the empire, exploring ancient ruins and other forms of daring do. The guild would take a small founders fee for telling the groups were adventure can be found and the empire a small tax. It was very much like a professional sport with more famous groups having licensing deals for toys, or attire.

Ian it seems ran the game and wanted me to make a character. Looking at the simple rules and seeing it as a chance at least in a silly mundane way to relive my world I created a character based on my aunt Gertrude a War Witch. (Which it seems wasn’t a class so I had to combine Fighter and Sorcerer). Nor did it have “Highblood” as a race.
Speaking of…..

For a world full of magic (Although its make –believe” the game world is lacking in racial diversity.
Back on my world we have.
High Bloods- My people all magically inclined ,long lived and cunning
Shide: The Pointed eared , graceful masters of the woods and nature magic
Banshide: The Shides underground dwelling mischief inclined cousins and masters of shadow sorcery.
Grat: a Short lived brute servant race. Not smart but tough
Iron Kin: Industrious master of clock work inventions.
Aquian: Water/amphibious merfolk.
Beast Blood: The sylvan animal like cousins of the Aquinas.
Rolzon: Decedents of the titans a fearless race of incredible strong and fast warriors
Thrice: Elegent and lithe race of natural psychics.
And that’s not counting the faery folk, goblins, giants, and other brute races and rare.

So Hexxina Crimson (Named after both my grandmothers) represented on the battle map by a ..lets call it unrealistically endowed lump of lead went into battle

It was boring, unrealistic (No goblin can take that many blows and lets not start on the magic). The others seem to enjoy it though especially Shelly who played a Wizard and in game was just much a know it all as she was out of it often arguing with Ian over the games rules.

Half way through the game Hexxina managed to slay…a giant badger through cunning and a few well placed simple spells. Everyone but Shelly praised my cunning (as they should). The girl playing at being a wizard decided to make things personal and accused Ian of going easy on me.

Ian is a lot of things, naive, nebbish and neurotic but unfair he’s not . Ian protested Shelly threatened to leave and I helped her just do that….Poof, a one way trip to the city zoo Dingo cage.

Ian rolled his eyes, the other boys had no idea what had happened (Although eventually they decided Shelly was playing some kind of disappearing prank).

I must admit after Shelly was done away with the game was less boring (less like watching snails move across the floor more like watching ice melt).

(That evening Shelly was on the evening news. Seems she was rescued and recovering in a local hospital under medical and psychiatric care…good for her)


Kate said...

You know, your world would make a perfect role playing game. And I think you went pretty easy on that girl, after all she was very rude to you.

Princess Lucinda Nightbane said...

I thought the same things...
I requested from my minions at Channel M.

They said maybe..then I turned the headman into an ant....

They pretty agree with me now and the're working on it.

Kate said...

Ahh, the system works.

Kate said...

Ohh, I did want to comment on your relationship with Ian, but after I read your warning....I kinda changed my mind. That seems like a reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaally painful punishment.

Dennis said...

and everyone learns a lesson

Groveling Humans